I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
