I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
