Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
