I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
