just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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