I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My cat gives me a boner
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?