Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?