Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
