i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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