I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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