someone threw a dead crab at me
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
