well I can't set my house on fire every night
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
