Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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