oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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