The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
