Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Everything about him screamed your future.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
