if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
