i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
