Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
