My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
