Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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