this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
