my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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