Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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