I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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