he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
