Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
