Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
