had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
