Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
