this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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