can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
