i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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