I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
