Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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