If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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