I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
