Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
