I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
