so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
