So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
