In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
