I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
