Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
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there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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