I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
