Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
