He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
