I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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