mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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