Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
