So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
