I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
