I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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