My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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