Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
