I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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