Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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