After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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