oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
