Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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