Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
