Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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