oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
