I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
